The Funyun

Owl City Named The Face of Shittybandz

FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA - New preteen fad Shittybandz has named chart topping recording artist Owl City as the face of their fast selling product. Shittybandz, an elastic rubber band shaped like a circle, has taken the nation’s youth by storm in the last four months, and Owl City is thrilled to be the spokesperson for the Fargo-based company.

“Shittybandz summarize what my entire career has been about. I think everyone should feel what it’s like to wear a Shittyband, from ages six to sixty-six.” he giggled. 

The announcement comes as somewhat of a surprise, as industry analysts revealed last week that Nickelback was in serious talks with Shittybandz. “As for that matter, [Shittybandz] saw Owl City as a much more appropriate fit for this moment, in this cultural climate, but — and you heard it here first — we are designing a special edition Nickelback Shittyband, which will be colored grey, and shaped like the back of 5¢ coin,” said Shittybandz founder David Cassidy. 

Owl City’s Shittybandz tour, co-headlined by Hoobastank, Eiffel 65, and BBMak, is scheduled to begin this month, with a kickoff in Los Angeles. 

Florbtillo Capcha-ed By Angry Clevelander

This morning, before Cleveland resident George Calvins could download the new Eminem single from Mediafire, an illegal file-sharing site, he was faced with an obstacle. Capcha, a mechanism designed to separate ‘bots’ from humans, causes 72% of America’s frustration, and has forced Calvins to replace seven computers.

“Florbitillo? That’s not even English!”

Before putting on his reading glasses and enlarging the picture size, Calvins guessed the word to be both “Blomitello” and “PrmbetHa”.

“These kind of things should fill up a bathtub and drown themselves in it,” the Best Buy security shift manager stated.

“All I want to do is listen to some fucking Em,” Calvins said, tearing up.

Unfortunately, after the correct word was entered, Mediafire informed him that the file was removed due to “Terms of Use violation.”

Proud Owner Of G.I. Joe Motorcycle Refutes “Mid-Life Crisis”

36-year-old Robert Carrington doesn’t understand his family’s classification of the purchase of a $35,000 G.I. Joe motorcycle as the sign of a “mid-life crisis.”

“What? I’m a regular old dad who wanted to add adventure to my already adventurous life,” he said via telephone on his way to pick up his daughter’s leotard from home.

“Daddy seems sad,” said his son, who’s name was forcefully changed to Cobra Commander on Sunday.

When Carrington arrived home, he raided the garage fridge for some of his wife’s Smirnoff Ice, and drank until it was ok to cry.

Gold Bond Teams Up With ABC For ‘Lost’ Finale

In a surprising move, Gold Bond has purchased all thirty-five minutes of advertising for ABC’s finale of Lost this Sunday. “After spending over three-and-a-half years on The Island, the survivors of Oceanic 815 certainly must be experiencing severe chafing,” CEO Bruckler Tickletonne said in an online advertisement entitled “The Soothma In-itchy-ative,” a pun that is widely agreed upon as a stretch. “We figured that we could send some of our world famous anti-itch skin protectant to the most thrilling show on the tee vee.”

Most shocking of all was Lost executive producer Carlton Cuse’s announcement that the Smoke Monster will be tinted “Gold Bond gold,” for the entirety of the episode, until he does or does not die.

“I just wish people watched our show. Maybe then, stupid shit like this wouldn’t have to happen.”

“Oh, and also,” he said, before letting out a huge sigh, “buy Gold Bond, ‘The Powder With The Power.’”

Dolphins Actually Enjoy Plastic Six Pack Rings

WATER, CALIFORNIA - In a recent interview with Eeeeple, Dolphin President Oaaa Junprathi quelled long-standing rumors about his people’s opinion of plastic six pack rings, calling the myths, “misguided and unfounded.”

“The humans are correct when they say the rings are killer — killer to eat, am I right?” which, untranslated, sounds like the noise when you breathe in through your nose when you have a runny cold.

“The only ring-related deaths occurred with plastics from low-class sodas, like RC, or…or Pepsi,” the 390th Dolphin President said, just months after losing a deal at the last minute with PepsiCo to secure the world’s remaining Crystal Pepsi resources.

“If anything, I think we need to eat more plastic. Shit’s gourmet,” he said, after more serious translation.

These statements come very shortly after President Junprathi’s controversial “chicken of the sea,” comment about the Atlantic Tuna. This one-two punch could spell impeachment for the Puerto Rico native.