July 2010
3 posts
Owl City Named The Face of Shittybandz
FARGO, NORTH DAKOTA - New preteen fad Shittybandz has named chart topping recording artist Owl City as the face of their fast selling product. Shittybandz, an elastic rubber band shaped like a circle, has taken the nation’s youth by storm in the last four months, and Owl City is thrilled to be the spokesperson for the Fargo-based company.
“Shittybandz summarize what my entire...
June 2010
4 posts
5 tags
Florbtillo Capcha-ed By Angry Clevelander
This morning, before Cleveland resident George Calvins could download the new Eminem single from Mediafire, an illegal file-sharing site, he was faced with an obstacle. Capcha, a mechanism designed to separate ‘bots’ from humans, causes 72% of America’s frustration, and has forced Calvins to replace seven computers.
“Florbitillo? That’s not even English!”
...
May 2010
18 posts
Proud Owner Of G.I. Joe Motorcycle Refutes...
36-year-old Robert Carrington doesn’t understand his family’s classification of the purchase of a $35,000 G.I. Joe motorcycle as the sign of a “mid-life crisis.”
“What? I’m a regular old dad who wanted to add adventure to my already adventurous life,” he said via telephone on his way to pick up his daughter’s leotard from home.
“Daddy seems...
7 tags
Gold Bond Teams Up With ABC For 'Lost' Finale
In a surprising move, Gold Bond has purchased all thirty-five minutes of advertising for ABC’s finale of Lost this Sunday. “After spending over three-and-a-half years on The Island, the survivors of Oceanic 815 certainly must be experiencing severe chafing,” CEO Bruckler Tickletonne said in an online advertisement entitled “The Soothma In-itchy-ative,” a pun that is...
1 tag
Dolphins Actually Enjoy Plastic Six Pack Rings
WATER, CALIFORNIA - In a recent interview with Eeeeple, Dolphin President Oaaa Junprathi quelled long-standing rumors about his people’s opinion of plastic six pack rings, calling the myths, “misguided and unfounded.”
“The humans are correct when they say the rings are killer — killer to eat, am I right?” which, untranslated, sounds like the noise when you...
M1NDF4CE Wows Crowd
Last weekend’s M1NDF4CE concert at La Paz’s Salón de Baile Estrella was a night of aural pleasure. As always, M1NDF4CE a.k.a Henri Bouvier, came onstage wearing a giant mask resembling a French man. The crowd went wild during the peaks and valleys of “Sensual Io”, almost solely because they were at the peak of their ecstacy roll.
When asked about her son’s performances, Marie Bouvier said that she...
Spaghetti Tree Discovered, 1st Grader Rejoices
A spaghetti tree was discovered in western Wisconsin early this week. Scientists say it is a mutated hybrid of both trees and spaghetti, but is capable of reproduction.
1st Grader Michael Royland is ecstatic about the find. Early Tuesday, he made an acrostic poem about spaghetti trees, an assignment he would have gotten a zero on without the discovery. “Heee heee,” Royland said in a...
5th Grader Anbar Reynolds Goes To Disney World
ENGLEWOOD, NJ - Last week, 5th grader Anbar Reynolds went to Disney World with his family. “It’s really unfair because Anbar is mean and is a bad line leader all the time,” fellow Engelwood Elementary student Ritchie Glans said.
Late Sunday night, Anbar stayed up “way past lights out,” and, while his parents were sleeping, snuck out to Downtown Disney, where he...
Oscar The Grouch Has Sex, Gets The Fuck Out Of A...
Pictured: Oscar and his new beau, Andrea Fishburn
NEW YORK, NY- Sesame Street native Oscar The Grouch left his infamous garbage can, citing “getting some,” as his reason for departing. “Honestly, it had gotten to the point where I was like ‘do I have legs?’ That’s not where you want to be.”
Oscar began talking to Andrea Fishburn, 53, on a website for...
Penobscot River Floods Poland Spring Factory
KINGFIELD, ME - Officials have reported massive flooding around the Kingfield Poland Spring factory. “[The river] just won’t let up. This damage is unbelievable,” police chief Roger Freebert said.
Production halted immediately early Tuesday morning, when water started coming from under that rubber thing in between the door and the floor. “Sure that’s where we get it from, but no nature’s going...
Missouri Farm Raided, 6.5 Million Puppies Found
Kids Against Lying raided a Missouri farm yesterday after six months of rigorous investigations concerning illegal dog hoarding. “I was mad at my Dad for sending Colonel Yippers away, but now that he’s mine again, I’m pretty happy,” KAL President Frankie Landers said early this morning from his bedroom tin can.
6.5 million dogs were discovered on the 1,000 acre farm. Landers says that he will...
Brazilian Government Orders Entire Country To...
“Honestly guys, I don’t know why it took this long,” Brazilian president Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva said, in a press conference early this morning.
“As of next Friday, it will become illegal to speak [that other language that isn’t English or Spanish] in Brazil. “It makes no sense for us to be speaking [that language] and, frankly, it sounds pretty weird.”
Although police reinforcements were...
1st Grader Discovers White Guilt, Feels Like Giant...
FLEMINGTON, NJ - Reggie Hambler, a first grader at East Flemington Elementary, discovered white guilt today, during a lesson on the Trail of Tears. This comes just weeks after Hambler’s learning of the Spanish conquistadores. “I thought adults were better than this. I would expect this from Matt Douglass,” Hambler said, pointing at the coolest kid in the class, “but not someone my dad’s age.”
...
Jammer Overstays His Welcome
CIRCLE ON THE LAWN, MA - When 20 year old Michael Gustavus asked if he could “see the guitar for a second,” Massachusetts lawn-sitters didn’t think that he would be there for more than a song or two. As of press time, Gustavus has played over fourteen songs on circle-starter Brian Freidman’s guitar.
“Damn, the action on this thing is nice! We should do this together...
Local Mother Purchases Wrong Cereal
MONTPELIER, VT - Violence broke out this morning when Susan Patterson, 34, came home from Shop Rite with Cocoa Dyno-Bites, after her son Trevor specifically asked for Cocoa Krispies. “I don’t like ‘em!” Trevor, 7, screeched. “I don’t like the bunny on the front, and the puzzles are for six-year-olds!” When Ms. Patterson tried to explain that they taste the same, Trevor stormed upstairs, knocking...
Daughter's Dance Recital Is Literally Unwatchable ...
NAPERVILLE, IL - Roger Marquette had no choice but to avert his eyes yesterday during Happy Tapping’s Spring Recital at the Louis Armstrong Theater. “Is this what I paid $750 bucks for?” Marquette inquired. “Whose idea was it to have them dance to a MIDI file of ‘Walk Like An Egyptian?’ I cannot believe I’m missing 60 Minutes for this.” Marquette’s daughter Elizabeth, 5, did a terrible job of...
Brooklyn Elementary School Population In Arms...
NEW YORK - Students of Brooklyn’s P.S. 128 are outraged after the cancellation of Cheesy Bread Wednesdays was made public during this morning’s announcements. “Aw man!” said fourth grader Bobby Terris, who didn’t eat his second Pop Tart on the bus in anticipation of the event. “My mom packed me a bologna sandwich, and now I gotta eat it. No. It’s Wednesday, and I want cheesy bread.” After being...
Festival Of The Arts Reaches A Climax In Usdan
WALTHAM, MA - This Sunday, graduate student James Gruehl ‘11 displayed “Salmon and Rice,” a work of art that area critics are calling “life-changing.” Four years in the making, “Rice,” began with Gruehl’s purchase of the titular foods from the Lower Usdan cafeteria, before he grabbed an eco-friendly plastic cup, walking over to the soda machine, and,...